You’ve probably heard it said, that your truest self is revealed when no one else is watching. Who you are behind closed doors is the better representation of you than who you are around everyone else. Whether or not I agree with that today; I am learning about myself while living alone. I’ve learned that if I am left completely to myself unaware of the presence of God or anyone else, I can barely function. I’ve also learned that who I am behind closed doors is more inconsistent than who I am before people. In a moment I can be lost in joy and love for God and the next I can turn on him.
The easy conclusion as to how this happens is my immaturity in Christ/ being led by emotions. I’m willing to volunteer myself for those labels because pretending to be better than I am would get me nowhere. What I’ve also learned is that the battle waging in my mind is largely of my own construction. It’s scary when there is no one left to blame. Yet it’s encouraging because when I am alone and I am my only obstacle, I see that I am not too big for God to deal with. It makes me thankful to know that the Holy Spirit never leaves or forsakes me even when I find it difficult to be aware of His presence. But things could be worse.
I know of a man who lives in the parking lot of Denny’s in his broken down Cutlass. I only know that he is man because someone told me he is pudgy and sits in there on his lap top. I only know someone lives there because the car never moves and there are towels hanging over all the windows as curtains. One thing I am not sure about is whether or not he is currently alive; I literally have never seen him, only his car every morning when I go to work. It makes me sad because I wonder what intimacy for him looks/looked like. He’s chosen a life of isolation living out of his car rather than going to a shelter or anywhere for help, yet not completely isolated because he lives in the parking lot of a Denny’s that is busy throughout the day.
Proverbs 18:1 says “A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment.” This week I’ve tried to be active in not being isolated, though I’ve felt anxious and lonely. Thankfully, I have a lot of people close to me that care about me. I also hold dear remembering how God was faithful to Jeff when he was in the middle of nowhere in North Dakota and why we started this blog to this blog to begin with. Ultimately, I’m reminded that my contentment can only come from being and feeling near to God. The book of James tells us to draw near to Him so I already have the invitation. What responding to it looks like, I’m still figuring out.