Today is one of those days where I need to write. The alternative is to run. To think I haven’t blogged since April concerns me, especially, since I paid for this domain name. I invested some money and much time to write and express what it looks like to be reconstructed by a good God. For those months of silence (not writing) God was doing something I still don’t quite understand the ramifications of. I know that time was dark; I know I was scared, and I knew I needed help from God and anyone else; I also became convinced that I will never stop needing his help.
During those months I went to Utah with my good friend Brian to have a vacation, almost die, and put my body through physical stress rather than emotional. I went to Ohio with some friends to a conference where I felt some freedom from rejection and given hope to overcome disillusionment. I met regularly with a psychologist who helped me heal, and tried some medication that dizzied me and did not help at all. I started exercising regularly and eating better and lost fifteen pounds. And as some of you know, I continued training in wrestling got into grad school and came back part-time to the job I left for two months. I reconnected and then disconnected with my x-girlfriend. I re-acquainted myself with grief to find what I left behind in Jersey is best left behind (except for friends and family). Most importantly those idols that ensnared me are losing/have lost their grip.
So why write? What’s there to run from if it’s all getting better? I have a problem with running. In a physical sense I hate running but in the metaphorical sense it’s what I’ve done best. I run from the goodness of God’s love because I actually get uncomfortable, apparently, when He is too good to me. Scripture says perfect love casts out fear but for some reason when people love too well, though I’m drawn to it, it scares me and provokes me to want to test its length. Can His love be that good? Well what if I try to pull one over on him or try to prove to Him that the lure of sin can compete with his gifts? And what if after I do something in complete arrogance or ignorance He still uses the kindness of His character to lead me to turn to Him again?
One thing I love about Jesus is that I can’t outrun Him and unlike “Chariots of Fire” when I run I don’t feel His pleasure, but when I write I know He is pleased. He is the author and finisher of my faith, and he gave me a dad who was an English major. (By the way, Happy Birthday Dad!) Hopefully, this will be the start of me writing more regularly.