The Reconstructed

Part of being a human in need of redemption is there is something, often much in us that needs saving and changing. If we walk through our lives thinking we are pretty good, we probably have not done much reflecting over the parts of ourselves that are selfish or abhorrently disregarding of others. I remember being out to eat with my mother at an inn in Pennsylvania about 5 months ago and heard the most obnoxious table of old people loudly talking about how awful the world is becoming while simultaneously talking about how they hoard wealth and would do nothing to help someone in need because they probably deserved what they were getting.

Then some voice of reason at the table said something along the lines of “you are a bit loud and perhaps other people in the room don’t want to hear your opinion” to which they loudly replied they didn’t care how loud they were and they were entitled to their opinion. While I do believe they have a firm grasp on the first amendment I don’t believe they have any grasp for neighborly etiquette let alone gospel centered love. Which to be fair I can’t fault a dying fallen world for it’s selfishness. This is the same world, among us, the same people that crucified a perfect God-man. Our flesh will gladly kill something that disrupts our comfort, less likely to put to death things that are robbing our souls and others of life eternal in Christ, less likely to willingly suffer for the truth of the Gospel.

But the truth is I have been obnoxious in a restaurant before, lots of times in fact, sometimes with seemingly great success. I have also been in restaurants with people who were behaving loudly where I had to subtly let them know they needed to quiet down as a courtesy to humanity. I am not blameless. I am not blameless in any area this year let alone in this lifetime. Guilty of all of it, make a list, I’ve done it, according to Jesus if I’m guilty of one part of the law I’m guilty of it all. Might as well lump genocide in their as one of my faults.

The sad reality is there are things this year that I never imagined I’d find in my heart. I don’t think I ever hated people with a visceral hatred until the last calendar year. I think often I have been able to see others perspectives or move past things and just give people the benefit of the doubt. In other areas in self-control in purity I thought I was making progress, not so much. I thought my speech would be kinder, but I don’t think there has been a year since high school in which I have cursed more. Real good curse words. I’m not proud of any of it. None of this is a boast (although the real good curse words does sound like it). If anything it’s just a confession of guilt, an admission that hopefully I am still a work in progress, that if I have a small portion of time left in this life that God is doing something, that He is working in and through me to finish a work He started. Author-Finisher ish (I wanted to write Sh*t but I didn’t for self-control)

I think its fascinating how God chooses to work and move in imperfect people. I don’t know if the general consensus among people is that we are okay with it. I think for the most part people want their spiritual leaders to be spotless. We want to there put-togetherness to be compellingly attractive. We want their to be enough sparkles to overlook the filth. And some people are very good at the masquerade. They’ve put together a beautiful resume to go along with their costume. They have covered their faults so well that they themselves have forgotten they exist.

This is the dance, can I be humble enough to see my faults and continue to press on in faith and repentance that I rely on the Spirit to keep me along the path? Can I also be diligent and disciplined enough to follow wholeheartedly that I resist temptation and remain in intimacy with Christ and in fellowship with his Bride the Church? Am I able to be both, not so permanently wretched that I become intolerable to the Church, yet not have so much of a perfect facade that I walk in hypocrisy or arrogance? Maybe you can. Maybe I can.

I’m going to start re-reading a Tale of Three Kings. It looks at the lives of Saul, David, and Absalom and asks the question, who is my heart becoming? Am I becoming a person who returns to the Lord Jesus Christ, exalts Him, looks to Him for salvation, sanctification, provision and power? Or am I seeking it all on my own terms to build my own kingdom to be estranged from accountability?

I think they are good questions for me to wrestle with in this season, a season with no end in sight. Still plenty of time to find plenty of faults.